Advice from the Geek

Hydrate at Festivals or Die!

2009-06-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things to drink at festivals. In addition to a wide array of non alcoholic beverages (tea, coffee, smoothies, chair, overpriced bottles of water) there are many and various ways to go out there and get extremely drunk.

At Glastonbury you can bring in as much alcohol you like as long as it's not in glass containers. At other events you can bring as much booze as you like into the campsite area but near the stages you are stuck with beer/wine/cider at prices set by the vendors. Any way you slice it, people tend to drink to excess but this is sometimes limited by how much cash they've brought or their smuggling skills. Check out www.firebox.com for some good stealth booze vessels but don't blame me if security is wise to these scams by now...!

If you want to be able to stay the course at a festival and still be functioning by the bitter end you might want to invest in some hydration sachets. My personal favourites are on sale from www.ultimatefestivalkit.com

Bring on the Hydrassist! Good for what ails you my festival friends!

Packing Lists - certainly not one-size fits all!

2008-06-09T05:56:00.000-07:00

Some of the following items would be essential packing for festivals: (These are listed in no particular order)

Wet wipes

Rizla

Loo roll

waterproof bags

Poncho - note: you can make a poncho out of a black bag, but it won't have a hood

lighter/matches

deodorant

torch/flashlight(North American usage)

Some people turn up with a lot of alcohol and pretty much nothing else. Different strokes for different folks I guess. It's a good idea to check out the restrictions on alcohol consumption for the particular festival you're attending. Glastonbury is a free for all - any outside alcohol can be consumed pretty much anywhere. Other festivals will only allow beer and wine purchased in the arena area, so make sure you bring cash as well all the beer you bought on special offer in Lidl.

Tent-tastic!

2008-05-22T02:46:00.000-07:00

So you need to buy a tent because you can't afford a yurt or a tipi or a podpad.

The one 'man' tent can seem like the perfect choice if you're camping with friends but want to kip on your own. If you're a minimalist, you will enjoy this. If you have a rucksack full of clothes and other kit you may find all your gear gets in your way. Consider a two man tent, since you need to account for enough space to lay out your sleeping bag plus other stuff. It also helps to have room to manoeuver if you're trying to get out of wet/muddy clothes without destroying your clean stuff.

When sharing a tent with one friend, a similar equation applies. A four man should be adequate space for two people. Doesn't matter if you are mates or a couple...in order to preserve harmony you should try to make sure you have as much storage space as you have sleeping space.

Although there are obviously many more exciting things you could be doing than putting up your tent, it is VERY important that you focus on this one task and give it your full attention. Stake it down and use the guy ropes as directed. A taut tent is a dry tent after all. As my partner in crime drummed into me on our first sodden adventure, any items touching the inside of the tent will also cause leaks, so don't heap things in the corners.

There appears to be a bit of a gazebo backlash this year, with some festivals banning them from the camping areas. I can see why this is happening, as gazebos do take up valuable camping space. It is a real shame, though, as when it's raining cats and dogs it can be nice to sit under cover with your mates and chill out near the tents before heading out to see some bands. Otherwise everyone has sit in their tents and shout back and forth...which can be annoying for nearby neighbors.

**Above all...don't abandon your tent this year! If YouTube footage of 'tent-diving' is any indication of what happens to tents that are left behind, they'll be no good to anyone when these idiots are through. You'd be better off paying Tangerine Fields for a tent than buying one from Argos or Decathlon and then leaving it to have all the poles broken! Thousands of tents were abandoned at Glastonbury last year and although they were supposed to donated to charity very few were actually salvaged.

Festivals for people who like to sleep in their own bed!

2008-05-15T04:36:00.000-07:00

Daytrippers might find events like Lovebox Weekender, Wireless and Notting Hill Carnival a little easier to stomach than the full on festie experience. There is something to be said for an event where afterwards you have a shower, eat something out of the fridge and then watch a bit of telly before falling into your own (clean) bed.

Sure there's transport issues to worry about and there's certain to be a throng of Peaches Geldof VIP types but maybe the pros outweigh the cons.

The Hop Farm is a day trip event that certainly looks like good value. I mean c'mon - they've got NEIL YOUNG! :)

What will I sleep on at IoW/Roskilde/Bestival/V?

2008-04-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

There are many schools of thought on this one. Some people will attend a music festival fully intending to get so wasted each day that they will be able to sleep anywhere. Good luck to these people – I’ll see you in the first aid tent. I want a bed – obviously not as comfortable as my bed at home but more than tolerable for 3-4 nights. As I see it, there are three options: 1) the typical inch thick camping mattress or similar, 2) the airbed [and variations on a lilo] and 3) the camp bed.

They each have their benefits and their drawbacks. A camping mattress is compact, easy to carry and will even inflate itself while you get on with more pressing matters. On the downside, festival camping areas are not like regular campsites and depending on when you arrive you may not have your choice of camping spot. This could mean you end up sleeping on extremely lumpy ground or a dip that collects a lot of water when it rains. Either way, you will end up cursing the poor little mattress - it will offer no protection against either problem.

The airbed, on the other hand, could be your salvation if rain is on the menu. It will keep you up and out of the water and will provide a cushion against uneven terrain, but there are other pitfalls. People sharing an airbed will find they occasionally bounce their partner out of bed or into the wall of the tent. You may also find that airbed loses its main ingredient overnight and by morning you are sleeping on the lumpy ground anyway. The final insult could be that you haul your kingsize double-height air bed a very long way to the ideal campsite only to find that you’ve left the pump in your car. Or worse…your flat in Aberdeen. If this happens you better start making friends with your neighbors, quickly!

This brings me to my preferred option: the camp cot. Though it conjures up visions of African safaris and TA training weekends, the camp cot could be your salvation. I will admit that the cheaper ones can be difficult to put together as they require some brute force to pop the legs into position. But the benefits cannot be ignored:

You sleep suspended above the ground so as long as the tent is pitched in a fairly level spot you could be sleeping on chunky gravel and it won’t matter.
If it rains you are up off the (increasingly soggy) ground. Which brings me to my next point…

(Assuming it’s still raining, this is Britain after all) During the day you can put your things on top of the cot to keep them somewhat organised and lessen the chance of water coming through the groundsheet.

One minus – and it will be a major one for some people – is that the typical camp cot is not built for sexual activity, vigorous or otherwise. Ignore this warning and you may end up with a giant split in your bed. Put the sleeping bag on the floor and ‘do the business’ if you must but don’t hurt the camp cot.

Personally, I will be investing in a top of the range camp cot this year. £25 worth of heaven.

Hairy Mary - one for the females

2008-03-26T05:20:00.001-07:00

It sort of depends on how important hair removal is to you how you go about maintaining your toilette when at a festival. You might let the hairs go wild on leg and limb. I often feel a wave of shame if anyone happens to see my ape leg but women of less or lighter hair may not be affected by such emotions...

I think some women are astounded at their ability to cultivate hair over a period of three or four days. Depending on whether you've packed clothes that will conceal legs and armpits, you may have no choice but to walk around with it on show. Would you feel any more dignified if you managed to shave the offending parts in front of everyone waiting to use the communal water source?

Waxing strips might be the answer for some. Getting waxed by a professional before you go might be another. Depends on your vanity level I suppose! I know mine is about an 8.5 on a standard ten point scale :)

Festival Packing list besides tent, ticket, and of course the Ultimate Festival Kit!

2008-03-19T03:18:00.000-07:00

Any prescription or non-prescription medication that you use on a regular basis – Antihistamines (tablets and creams), asthma medication, birth control pills, etc. Surely you must understand why but I can’t stress this enough.

Duct Tape – Extremely handy for repair of tents, ponchos, bags, gazebos, and anything else that might get damaged in the wind or destroyed by some overzealous mosher.

Unique flag (and flagpole) – Essential for people who love to be up front and near the action and also arrange to meet a dozen mates near the main stage. **Do not assume you will have the only Canadian flag/Australian flag/Irish flag/blow-up sheep doll.

Snacks - Biscuits, cereal bars, juice boxes, chocolate, fruit. Anything that travels well in a rucksack. No bananas since they attract mozzies AND make a mess when they get crushed.

Funnel – Makes the transfer of beverages from one vessel into another just that much easier.

SIM card reader – Useful when everyone in your group has lost their phone or run out of battery…but only when you are contacting the world outside of Glastonbury, T in the Park, Creamfields, Download, etc.

Clean pants - If this needs explaining I doubt you'll be bringing any.

End transmission.

Celebrate chaos and embrace mayhem for a while

2008-03-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

Control is an illusion. In any aspect of your life there are factors that are entirely random. At a music festival there are more than a few and they might hit you all at once!

It could take you ages to get from point A to point B. This may be due to crowding, mud, or poor planning on behalf of festival organisers. Try to be one step ahead of the pack. If you’re firmly stuck in a mass of drunken idiots, take a deep breath. It will be okay.

The weather could be the worst you’ve ever seen. Make sure your campsite is as waterproof as possible. Get your poncho and wellies on and get out there. Sulking in your tent is not going to help your mood. Do not wear expensive/favourite garments as they may never be the same. In fact, you may find amusement in the gradual, unavoidable destruction of your clothes.

Communication may be impossible because of overloaded networks and dead mobile batteries. Accept it. Try to make sure you’ve contacted people before the inevitable happens.

This is not the world you normally live in but you have to take it all in: and get over it.

Cautionary Tale

2008-03-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

In Irvine Welsh's collection of short stories, If You Liked School You'll Love Work there is a tale of three people returning from the Burning Man Festival in Nevada. If that story is typical of the sort of thing that happens when you go to Burning Man, I do not want to go.

Stand up ladies!

2008-02-28T13:14:00.000-08:00

Last year at Glastonbury desperation forced me to try something new. After several beers and fighting my way through a lot of mud I realised the wait for the toilets would end in disaster for me if I didn't take drastic action.

I waddled over to the flowery kiosk-type thing near the portaloos and was offered a cardboard funnel by smiley pee stewards. I was ushered inside the enclosure but I couldn't help asking for advice before I went to the inner sanctum. They suggested pulling the device 'as far back' as I could and to lean forward into the femi-urinals.

Armed with excellent advice and on the verge of wetting myself I did my best to do the funnel proud. I would say my technique was 95% effective. I had certainly been hoping for a perfect score. But it was not meant to be.

Never one to abandon a project, this year I'm going to try the Shewee. I trust reusable moulded plastic more than cardboard. I suppose that's something to do with me being a kid in the 80s or something?

What have you got to lose?

2008-02-06T11:28:00.001-08:00

If you have any interest in attending Glastonbury this year you really should register for a ticket this month. Yes, it means surrendering to 'the man' and handing over your photo and verifying your address and playing by the rules, but anyone who tells you they can get you a ticket without going through proper channels is lying. They just want your money. Mr Michael Eavis doesn't suffer scalpers.

http://www.millets.co.uk/glastonbury2008prereg

Of course there are a few other options that you can explore between now and the 14th of March...but take it from this Geek, if you'd rather not end up working in a burger van or hawking hemp clothing you should just register!

Of course, if you happen to believe that Glastonbury is overpriced, overhyped and overrated there are many other festivals you could attend. And let's face it - not everyone who tries for Glastonbury tickets will get them. It's probably a 50/50 chance you'll end up with a crick in your neck or carpal tunnel syndrome depending on whether you focus on telephone or internet sales. It pays to have a backup plan. There are a helluva lot of other places you can go hang in the great outdoors and soak up the festival vibe. Check out Efestivals to see what's out there in the UK and further afield:

http://www.efestivals.co.uk/

Happy hunting! :)